My friends who follow this blog are intimately aware of my deep rooted (hyphen needed?) mistrust of penguins. For those of you just joining us, here's a re-cap (hyphen for good measure):
The first fingers of fear were felt a few months before "March of the Penguins" (one of the finer propoganda films to be made in recent years) waddled into theatres. Things only got worse from that point on: penguins on orange juice cartons, penguins on tissue boxes, penguins on parade (not to mention even more penguin based movies), penguins everywhere. Fortunately for mankind, the filmmakers at Dreamworks somehow managed to get "Madagascar" released without being shut down by the dreaded Penguin Mafia (It would appear that Kingdom of Loathing had already guessed at that penguins' ultimate goal: world domination). Americans now had caught a small glimpse into the true nature of penguins; and it wasn't cute and cuddly.
The past two years or so has seen the Penguin Mafia retreat into the shadows, waiting, watching...
...Plotting.
Keep both eyes open, my friends.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
But what I really want to talk about is bagels
Specifically the type with holes in them.
Bagels are good.
They are also round, which means you can trust them.
You should not, however, use bagels as spare tires.
Even if they are 400 years old.
Because that would just be silly.
(I think this just might be my most random post to date. Always nice to accomplish Something Meaningful before noon. )
Bagels are good.
They are also round, which means you can trust them.
You should not, however, use bagels as spare tires.
Even if they are 400 years old.
Because that would just be silly.
(I think this just might be my most random post to date. Always nice to accomplish Something Meaningful before noon. )
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Of Course, You Realize -This- Means War
Immitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but folks in these parts don't take kindly to other towns taking over their glory.
Case in point, Glenwood, Oregon.
Somehow, the enterprising people of this city (which I had never heard of before today, so you can imagine how inconsiquential they must be) have their hooks into Google. If you were to search for the Forest Grove zip code, it brings up Glenwood, OR. Our house? Glenwood. Our pizza place? Glenwood. Our Tiffany's? That was a trick question. The classiest thing we have here is Safeway. But it's OUR Safeway, and we're not going to let a bunch of over-ambitious penguin supporters take it.
They can take our zip code, but they can never take our Safeway!
(Admittedly, the battle cry needs some work; but it will sound better when we hire Mel Gibson as our spokes-heman.
Or not. )
Case in point, Glenwood, Oregon.
Somehow, the enterprising people of this city (which I had never heard of before today, so you can imagine how inconsiquential they must be) have their hooks into Google. If you were to search for the Forest Grove zip code, it brings up Glenwood, OR. Our house? Glenwood. Our pizza place? Glenwood. Our Tiffany's? That was a trick question. The classiest thing we have here is Safeway. But it's OUR Safeway, and we're not going to let a bunch of over-ambitious penguin supporters take it.
They can take our zip code, but they can never take our Safeway!
(Admittedly, the battle cry needs some work; but it will sound better when we hire Mel Gibson as our spokes-heman.
Or not. )
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
We Are Not Amused
Part the Second
Mera Fitzgerald had made her merry way through the labyrinth of pretzel carts, balloon animal artists (Mera briefly wondered about reporting them to the Terminology Abuse Office) and pickle salesmen, arriving at the brightly coloured and thriving shoe district of The Bustling Metropolis (TBM from here on out). The obligatory bell above the door chimed politely, alerting the staff that there was a new customer in the shop for them to ignore. Mera found a Shoe that she liked (comfy, cute and shiny) and turned to ask a salesperson (author is currently to tired to care about enquiring as to their gender) for a size.
"Of course, Madame. Do you have your FRiZBE results?"
Mera looked politely puzzled. (Another learned skill)
"My what results?"
The Salesperson (We'll call them IT) looked slightly exasperated.
"Your FRiZBE result. It tells us how you relate to other FRiZes and BEs, so we can better serve you."
Mera tried to mask her disbelief, almost suceeding.
"I...uh, no. Sorry, I've never heard of the Fuzz-E test. "
"FRiZBE," IT corrected. "It's a Groundbreaking test, and fortunately only takes 15 minutes to complete. "
Mera was sceptical.
"Then I can buy some shoes?"
IT looked apalled at the idea.
"Of course not! You must also take the mandatory two hour result discussion! It would defeat the whole point, otherwise. "
Mera had had enough.
"My dear person, I don't give anyone two hours of my time. They must Earn it, and you are just not worthy. "
With that, Mera walked out of the store. This might be even worse than an Adventure; it might turn into an Ordeal. (In which case considerable amounts of chocolate and coffee would be required. )
Mera Fitzgerald had made her merry way through the labyrinth of pretzel carts, balloon animal artists (Mera briefly wondered about reporting them to the Terminology Abuse Office) and pickle salesmen, arriving at the brightly coloured and thriving shoe district of The Bustling Metropolis (TBM from here on out). The obligatory bell above the door chimed politely, alerting the staff that there was a new customer in the shop for them to ignore. Mera found a Shoe that she liked (comfy, cute and shiny) and turned to ask a salesperson (author is currently to tired to care about enquiring as to their gender) for a size.
"Of course, Madame. Do you have your FRiZBE results?"
Mera looked politely puzzled. (Another learned skill)
"My what results?"
The Salesperson (We'll call them IT) looked slightly exasperated.
"Your FRiZBE result. It tells us how you relate to other FRiZes and BEs, so we can better serve you."
Mera tried to mask her disbelief, almost suceeding.
"I...uh, no. Sorry, I've never heard of the Fuzz-E test. "
"FRiZBE," IT corrected. "It's a Groundbreaking test, and fortunately only takes 15 minutes to complete. "
Mera was sceptical.
"Then I can buy some shoes?"
IT looked apalled at the idea.
"Of course not! You must also take the mandatory two hour result discussion! It would defeat the whole point, otherwise. "
Mera had had enough.
"My dear person, I don't give anyone two hours of my time. They must Earn it, and you are just not worthy. "
With that, Mera walked out of the store. This might be even worse than an Adventure; it might turn into an Ordeal. (In which case considerable amounts of chocolate and coffee would be required. )
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Back, With a...Story?
Bring Me Back a Story
"Too many people want to have written. " -- Terry Pratchett
With that, I give you:
The Many Mad Adventures of Mera Fitzgerald
Part the First
Mera Fitzgerald awoke precisely when her shiny brass alarm clock went off. Mera Believed in Punctuality; and anything worth Believing In deserved to be Thought In Capital Letters. It had taken some Serious Effort on Mera's part, but she had Succeeded.
Definitely something worth putting on one's resume. (Yes, Mera could also think with accent marks, though one didn't like to brag.)
Mera was soon dressed to the 9:45's (Dressing to the 9:00's was so last year, darling) and headed out into The Bustling Metropolis. She really thought that The Bustling Metropolis was a poor choice for the name of a city, and wondered if the city had ever had a different name in the past; if it had, no one ever used it now. The Bustling Metropolis they called it, which was a rather accurate, if slightly over enthusiastic description of the large-esque collections of high rises, shoppes (you weren't allowed to operate a shop in The Bustling Metropolis), restaurants, theatres, banks, cafés, art galleries, tea houses, coffee houses, soda houses, gingerbread houses and stripey sock shoppes that made up TBM. (One has to abbreviate the name sooner or later. It's too exausting, otherwise.)
This particular morning found Mera in search of shoes. Not just any shoes, but Shoes. Shoes to match all of her Happy Stripey Socks. (And her leopard print socks. Though those were only for special occaisions. ) Shoe shopping, even it was Capitalized, should not need to be an adventure, but when one has size 11 feet, the task often became an Adventure...
"Too many people want to have written. " -- Terry Pratchett
With that, I give you:
The Many Mad Adventures of Mera Fitzgerald
Part the First
Mera Fitzgerald awoke precisely when her shiny brass alarm clock went off. Mera Believed in Punctuality; and anything worth Believing In deserved to be Thought In Capital Letters. It had taken some Serious Effort on Mera's part, but she had Succeeded.
Definitely something worth putting on one's resume. (Yes, Mera could also think with accent marks, though one didn't like to brag.)
Mera was soon dressed to the 9:45's (Dressing to the 9:00's was so last year, darling) and headed out into The Bustling Metropolis. She really thought that The Bustling Metropolis was a poor choice for the name of a city, and wondered if the city had ever had a different name in the past; if it had, no one ever used it now. The Bustling Metropolis they called it, which was a rather accurate, if slightly over enthusiastic description of the large-esque collections of high rises, shoppes (you weren't allowed to operate a shop in The Bustling Metropolis), restaurants, theatres, banks, cafés, art galleries, tea houses, coffee houses, soda houses, gingerbread houses and stripey sock shoppes that made up TBM. (One has to abbreviate the name sooner or later. It's too exausting, otherwise.)
This particular morning found Mera in search of shoes. Not just any shoes, but Shoes. Shoes to match all of her Happy Stripey Socks. (And her leopard print socks. Though those were only for special occaisions. ) Shoe shopping, even it was Capitalized, should not need to be an adventure, but when one has size 11 feet, the task often became an Adventure...
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