There's a reason why John Barry didn't compose the score for "Office Space"

I just came from a two hour (!) IT meeting which started with a slide show of... I'm not really sure what. It was pictures of people smiling and looking happy, so they were obviously corporate spies. No one around here is that happy. I'd like to know who they were trying to fool.

To make matters worse, the slide show (or "lie-show") was accompanied by music that desperately wished it was from "Apollo 13".

Apparently there are a lot of heroics in IT. There's Bob, who brought an end to the infamous White Out Drought of '08; and Sue who fought off the Manic Stapler of Death. Or what about...

No.

There aren't any heroes in IT. If they were truly heroes, they'd be off saving the planet, not working here.

Next time, just let me pick the music. (At least "O, Fortuna" would have been funny)

Blinded by stupidity

Thank goodness I had my sunglasses handy.

I understand that sheer brilliance, wit and an uncanny sense of comic timing do not come naturally for most people, but that is not a good reason to drag me down into the murkey depths of your confused mind.

Honestly.

The fact that the sun was shining right into my eyes didn't help matters any. But I know it was you.

On a shortage of pink and an abundance of little green frogs

Lee, I just can't remember talking about little green frogs. I'm doing so now to prevent a predestination paradox from destroying the universe.

Or...maybe I just created one.

Oh well.

In other news, our teams were "realigned" (yet again) to better fit the business. I wonder when someone will have the bright idea to just tell the business to stop getting OUT of line. The real news is that my new team is comprised of 5 other people - all men.

5:1. With odds like that, they'll never stand a chance.

But when you eat nuts, it's cannibalistic

Lee, the food idea was prophetic.

I just came from a 30 minute project meeting to discuss requirements for one of our vendors. This wouldn't be a problem, except that I first drafted said requirements in November. And they've been reviewed by the same team three times now.

In the end, it was very fitting that they brought nuts to eat at the meeting.

Also redundant.

Sorry, I'm only pretending to care

What more do want from me on a Monday? I showed up, didn't I?

It's not like anyone will know. That kind, attentive expression? Just sleeping with my eyes open. Was I just yawning? No, that was kinetic data deletion.

As has been previously discussed, my best work is usually done while sleeping.

Just don't make any loud noises.

Shakespeare wouldn't have written sonnets about love if he worked in IT

Conflict: something to be expected when
two or more people meet in conf’rence rooms.
Tho’ unpleasant, it is a useful thing,
Our thoughts and fears into the light to bring.
Perhaps your word and mine are both correct,
But that does not excuse you from respect-
ing me, you small, annoying, man (or not),
but either way this vanity must stop.

Or.
Else.

(Not so much a heroic couplet, as an emphatic one)

From the Editor

You may notice that this blog has been going through a bit of a dry spell as of late. The staff here at Tall and Intelligent (or TI, as we like to refer to ourselves) would like to apologize. There just hasn't been any Grade A Blogger Fodder around here lately.

Unlike other, cheaper and less amusing blogs, we here at TI believe in quality over quantity (despite all evidence to the contrary). We could settle for Grade B Blogger Fodder like those other blogs (losers), but it just wouldn't be funny. At TI, we care enough to wait for the very best absurdity.

We appreciate your continued support and cash donations. We are also very happy to announce that we are now accepting credit cards.

Thank you.

(And we better stop referring to myself in plural, before the men with white jackets arrive. )

(Oops.)

Lament for a Lost Lunch Tote

(This was composed yesterday, but my wrist started being cranky, so I didn't post it)

Ack! I have lost thee,
Lunch tote with Elephants Pink.
I bid thee farewell.

I left my Vera Bradley(!) lunch tote in the company fridge over the weekend, the same fridge that is cleaned of everything every Friday at 5:00. And they mean everything. Poor little lunch tote! I was already planning on purchasing a new one, but still...have some respect for Vera, people!

Sheesh.

In other news, I am thinking of buying a new lunch tote. Vote for your favourite style and colour! (I'm open to most colours)

Let's Do Lunch

Cool Keeper

Yogurt Eating 101

There is a delicate skill to eating yogurt in public. Mainly, the finishing of yogurt.

One of the most brutal forms of workplace torture is having to be in the same room -or cubicle- as a yogurt eating novice digging away with their spoon, trying to get at the last bite in the bottom of the plastic container. It has to be one of the single most annoying sounds known to mankind.

In order to make the world a safer place for the inept, I will keep this simple:

Learn to eat your yogurt quietly or I will rip that spoon out of your hand and beat you senseless with it.

How 'bout I tell you how to not make me kill you

Rule 1: No early meetings

Rule 2: No lunchtime meeings

Rule 3: No overtime on meetings

Today I had a 9:00 meeting, and am now in an 11:00 meeting that was supposed to end at 12:00. If you hear about me on the 10:00 news tonight, now you know why.

There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot

Even more importantly, when there's nothing being said it's time to say a lot. People are uncomfortable with silence; it makes them feel they should be thinking about something. That's when the stupidity starts.

By talking, we can reassure them that the thinking is being handled by professionals, and that they needn't hurt themselves trying.

It only takes a moment to pretend to care.

Another definition -or- Maybe I just didn't watch enough Sesame Street as a child

Sharing - verb. The act of not demanding that no one else use the elevator you are on, or store their lunch in the same refrigerator as yours.

See also: elevators, company refrigerators and list of things Meri's not good at.

What we need is a new dictionary, America

I think I should write my own dictionary.

For example:

Monday morning - noun. A state of being in which innocent people are dragged out of their beds, in the dark, and forced out into the cruel, dark world.

See also: legalized torture, leading cause of depression and caffiene addiction.

Eulogy for a Dead Thought

Dear Friends,

We are gathered here tonight, on this solemn occasion, to pay tribute to Lee's dead thought.

It was such a brave little thought, and never once complained. Nor did it ever trail muddy footprints into the house, or leave the refrigerator open, causing the milk to spoil and kill people. We are sure it was a good thought.

Friends, let us look past our mourning to brighter days. Days, in a few weeks' time, when Lee's poor damaged brain will recover from her Excruciating Testing Ordeal and have new thoughts.

In the meantime, let us live each thought as if it were our last.

Amen.

(I think that's pretty close to what I actually said last night)

At least the voices in MY head are funny...

I don't even want to know what some of my co-workers' voices sound like.

Today's meeting was the equivilent of two four headed purple urpstroms. And the Terrible Twizzler.

There I sat, listening to accusation after accusation, my sanity stretched so thin that it was the opposite of thick. Fortunately, I was wearing my magical +32 uggs of Smiting, or I never would have made it out alive. As it was, they'll have to be decontaminated, lest the blinding stupidity wear off. (Though I might be happier at work)

(In truth, things got better and there was even an apology)

But next time I'm bringing garlic.

Really, I'm so much more productive when I'm asleep

I have a new "alternative" work arrangement proposition. Since my best efforts are usually thwarted by one or more...persons (there was just no nice way to say "morons"), I propose that I just work from home on a permanent basis. In bed. Asleep.

Think of it reflective ideation. My best thoughts usually come at night (they like darkness. It's cheap). I can have one of my brilliant thoughts, then spend the next 10 hours or so further thinking on it. Sure, there's the risk of being eaten by a purple 4 headed urpstrom while dreaming, but that's no worse then some of the people I currently work with.

It's also cost effective - no computer or phone to pay for, and it's energy effecient, too. And since I won't be driving to work, fewer green house emissions.

Looking at it this way, I should ask for a raise.

There are only 10 smart people in the world, and I'm three of them

Brilliant prompt, Jon.

You may be reading this and thinking "I always knew her vanity was endless, but this is inudstrial strength." Allow me to explain. No, there is too much. Allow me to sum up.

A few months ago, I was asked to present my thesis on Thick vs. Thin at the Annual Smart People Awards. It was quite the event, let me tell you. I had never seen diamond encrusted pocket protectors before. As I got up to present my thesis, an awed hush fell over the crowd. You could hear a pin drop, so intense was their focus.

"Good evening, fellow smart people. Tonight I would like to talk to you about thick versus thin.

If something is not thick, it is...thin.

Thank you, and good night. "

At first, silence; then the hall erupted. Everyone was on their feet, yelling and applauding. Old men had tears in their eyes and several women fainted. They insisted that I accept not one, but -three- Smart People Awards. It was all a bit embarrassing.

Especially since I was just there for the sushi.

I knew I was in trouble when the conference room was named "Elmo"

Our project meetings take a while to appear humerous (my coworker mentioned something about 5 years sounding about right).

The highlights of yesterday's meeting?

"Grandfather broccoli"
"Cowabunga"

They just don't prepare you for these things in college. "Cowabunga"? What's next, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles skills assesments? I can see it now:

"Meri, if you're a Donatello and Bob is a Raphael, how should you interact with him?"
"I make soup out of him. "

Though my favourite thing ever said in a project meeting was by the incomparable Plaid*:

"I'll write a batch to go out every night and look for orphans, and if it finds any, it'll kill 'em".

That's us. A bunch of orphan killers.

*Name changed to protect the not even remotely innocent

Gone to the birds

IT has gone to the birds. Literally.

In a NY Times article (sent to me by a coworker), they list the top 9 websites that IT professionals (I was told this meant me) should master in 2009. One of them was Twitter, the networking site. There's just something about a bunch of IT guys subscribing to "tweets" that seems...hilarious. I think I should start up a rival - PuddyTat.

I'm not knocking Twitter, but I can't see the point. And this is recommended for use in the workplace. By the New York Times. I think I'll spend my time in a more mature fashion, thank you.

Now excuse me while I go copy files to my Hello Kitty jump drive.

The Discovery of A-MER-ica

Jo's prompt for me was "discovery", so...

Today Meri discovered:
... That the root of 97.3% of all problems is that the world doesn't revolve around me. Honestly! If everyone would just focus on making my happiness their top priority instead of wasting YET ANOTHER hour of my time by blaming everyone but themself for not getting their work done, this world would be a much happier place.

Or at least -I- would be much happier, and that's all that really matters here.

...I also discovered that there might be some usefulness to acting more stressed out than you really are (and the Stress Relief aromatherapy does help! Gotta love inhaling your wrists. Maybe if I do that more in my meetings, people will think I've snapped and leave me alone).

... AND I found a really cool feature on my Mac.

... AND AND - here's a clue for Friday - Dona Nobis Pacem

Sister, can you spare a prompt?

Over lunch, my co-worker mentioned writing to prompts. Prompts! thought I. (ever try thinking an exclamation point?)

So I asked Lee for a prompt, and she said to look around and find something work related.

I like communicating. And I've been thinking lately about how we write (or talk or present) for our audience. Which brings me back to this blog. Blogging has always been challenging to me because I can never decide which audience I'm writing to or for. I think my problem was that I secretly was hoping The Entire Universe would become enraptured with my every word.

But that's exausting, and I really don't care about the rest of the universe. Sorry Uni. You had your chance, and you blew it.

Getting back to work, I really don't like havng to create test data. I don't understand it half the time and it takes forever! Really. Anything over 15 minutes = forever. It's how I get to be immortal.

Why can't I just be paid for being an upright citizen? Or a cuteness consultant. Or an office supply therapist?

The Blame Game -or- The Slave of Duty

This was not my idea.

My ego has not yet grown so large that I think everyone will care about what I have to say. But my friends say I'm witty. And now I'm sounding like Mrs. Elton from "Emma". This is the beginning of my descent into madness, I know it. Does my sanity mean nothing to you? I hope you two are satisfied! I will be sending you the therapy bills.

I can see why blame is so popular in the workplace - it's fun!*

*Do not try this at home. Seriously. You need to warm up first. Maybe try blaming your slow morning commute on traffic. Start small, friends.